Being alive is a heavy burden sometimes. Many things pile upon your shoulders and we all have our struggles. I am going to say that women have it harder than men, always. The expectations of and on us are far greater. We have to be all the things and what I have learned is one cannot be all things at every moment.
Work… is stressful. I don’t want to get too into exactly what I do because most people get confused but it is construction and I genuinely love it but also it is a man’s world. Not many women do what I do and that’s cool. It is a dirty job. Some would consider elements of it dangerous, I don’t but whatever. It is demanding, mentally and emotionally. But man is it fucking cool.
It is still a man’s world though. I feel that. My boobs get in the way, A LOT. I can’t tell you how many titty bruises I’ve gotten trying to cram my ample bosom into too small a space, or how many ridiculously expensive bras I have destroyed. Nothing says women’s liberation like ripping your bra off so you can squeeze into an attic, am I right????? Boobs are not just fatty tissue, they hurt when forced into places they don’t wanna go.
I also face physical limitations. I lack the natural upper body strength of a man so I have a hard time pulling my fat ass into places. Yes, I’m 40 pounds overweight but I like to eat so that’s not changing anytime soon. I’m also not a weakling but my legs are where my strength is so I get nervous trying to pull myself up. What happens if I fall? I can’t repair a ceiling on my own so I don’t press my luck.
These things bother me. I can’t cut off my boobs, nor would I want to because they are spectacular. I have tried to increase my upper body strength but that’s not going to help me tomorrow, that takes time. I’m a woman over 40, I’m perimenopausal, I have hot flashes and mood swings, I do the best I can with what I’ve got.
At my last job I was the boss. I made the decisions, right or wrong, and I stood by them or worked through them. Where I am currently I am not the boss. I don’t really know what I am but I really like all the people I work with. But here’s the thing; I bite my tongue all the time. Like ALL the time. Some of it is out of respect, a lot of it is caused by, I don’t know, my depression? Lost my voice and all.
There was a moment last summer where I was really flailing, I have mentioned this before. A former colleague, my work Dad, asked me some good questions. The best one was why I wasn’t giving people hell. I didn’t have a good answer. I was tired, I was sad, I just wanted to hide. Was I ever a ball buster before? Was that the real me or was this the real me? Was I in over my head? What happened to me?
To be a woman in a man’s world requires grace and tact. You must never emasculate a man because they don’t respond well to that. Even the progressive ones, ones that hire you to do a man’s job. You must always smile, be polite, and not overstep into conversations that are about man things. Now I cuss like a sailor and talk shit with the best of them so I am not easily offended, but don’t ask me to make phone calls for a man, ever. Especially when that man would not make the same calls for me.
Family… is heavy.
As a single mother I have always been judged. Three kids, no father around, must be a whore. Must be living off the system, should have kept her legs closed, i bet her kids are horrible, all that shit. I have heard it all. I have almost always had a job, sometimes two. I have worked my ass off over the years. I have raised amazing humans.
I have been single for 16 years people. SIXTEEN YEARS! Do you know how hard it is to date when you can’t afford a babysitter? And when you do go out you’re judged by your ex and his family (even though you only go out when your kids are with them) for being selfish and not taking care of the kids. Totally okay for the other parent to rarely see the kids but you go out when that other parent has the kids and you’re the selfish one.
Now, my kids are 22, 18, and (next week!) 17. I have been single for SIXTEEN fucking years. I get asked all the time why I am single. Well, I kinda missed the window. I have now been single for so long that i don’t think i could tolerate being in a relationship, this too makes me selfish. But I don’t care because I am selfish on my terms. If I want to paint the walls, redo the floors, change this or that, I don’t need to consult with anyone else. My house, my money, my choices. It is awesome. It is all about me in this house and I don’t give a fuck.
But this is a man’s world. I know that I am judged for not being in a relationship, people don’t understand why I would be so selfish. It makes me a bitch? Defective? Unloveable? A, gasp, LESBIAN?! lol, not a lesbian sorry. Shopping for major purchases: Do you need to speak to your husband? Shopping for tools: Are you shopping for your husband? Looking at cars: Is your husband here? Doing my job: Isn’t there a man to help you? My personal fave is when I say something and they don’t believe me then a man says it and they do.
All bullshit.
hHw is this heavy? Well, we have to do all the things, and do them just right. Don’t be TOO direct. Don’t be TOO informed. Don’t be TOO good of a parent. And no matter what we do we are wrong. Lok at how Hillary Clinton was judged! Agree with her politics or not, she was the single most qualified person to seek the office of the president. But her emails… Ya know what fuck you and the emails, as men had been doing the same for forever. Benghazi… OMG FUCK OFF WITH THAT SHIT, had a man been Secretary of State there would not have been 1 billion investigations into what happened.
Speaking of women in politics lemme do a sidebar. Last Wednesday, 2/12/20, I placed an order with every person running for the democratic nomination. I ordered yard signs and some cool stuff and donated to each campaign. All these orders were placed within a few minutes of each other as I was planning a fun thing, an ANYONE BUT TRUMP yard display. I got my Warren sign Friday, 2/14. I ordered more than the sign but she got me that sign first because that sign mattered. That is a woman not only with a plan, but with priorities. I have only received one other sign and it is for Tom Steyer. I love Liz so much for making sure I got that sign. though I realized after ordering everything I have a company vehicle in my driveway and i don’t want to negatively impact our business by me having political signs all over my yard.
It’s a heavy burden placed on women in a man’s world. I often wonder what it would be like to just be. How do I get to just be myself and still have respect? I can’t make dirty jokes, I can’t have a provocative conversation, I can’t say bad words, I can’t be mean. There is is constant man judgement a lot of women are avoiding.
Not all men, I do have some great ones around. They treat me like a human, neither male or female. I love that. But I still think they’d be afraid if they saw me lose my shit and tell a motherfucker to go pound sand.
