I swear to god, this pandemic… I mean for reals what the fuck?????
I have been home now since March, almost 5 full months of BLAH. I am still working but now I just make phone calls and do shit I hate so I am looking for another job becuase I can’t do this anymore. When your job has you searching for your will to live EVERY SINGLE DAY, it is time to go. It is not the job I accepted and one all people know I hate, but here I am…
I am bored, Perhaps I should have used this time at home for good. I should have taken more walks, I should have learned a new language, I should had made things, or painted the wall I hate, or worked on my typing skills. I haven’t. I have managed to blast through MANY TV series, most of them in other languages. After one I was totally convinced I understood Finnish, I do NOT understand Finnish. I am currently doing Finnish on Duolingo. Minä olen velho!
I have fallen into a pretty deep and expansive depression. I could not tell you when I last showered or changed my clothes. I haven’t cleaned anything really. I mean the dishes are clean and the house is generally in order but my room is in disarray. I have had to cancel vacation this year while coughing up money for a new heat pump and roof. Then the realization hit that I am losing money by keeping my job because I can’t get commission for making phone calls. Meaning I am now looking for another job or a second job defeating the purpose of me not doing my regular job. I am high risk for the COVID so I am not out in the world. I think that might be bullshit but who can argue right now.
Rather than be pissy about my job, I have decided to be pissy about my personal life. I have been isolating myself to avoid confrontations with toxic people or situations. Just sinking in the depression that is my life. Avoiding the BS knowing it will just fade away. I haven’t replaced that with anything though. I am just isolated. I think I touched on this previously but who knows. No one reads this, all the comments I get are spam, and this is just for me so who cares if I already touched on something. Imma keep goin’…
I have had an on/off relationship with someone for about a decade now. Not knowing at first that he had a “committed” relationship with someone else. Didn’t find that out for a couple years. I’m not stupid, really. Just really busy with tons of shit going on and I thought it was nice to not have so much relationship pressure. Both of us had family scattered around the country, or so I thought, busy jobs, kids, responsibilities, all that shit.
Maybe 5 years ago (??? the years all run together now) I found out all the lies. I felt so stupid for not figuring it out. I never brought him to my house because of my kids. He never brought me to his because he lived with someone. Which is what I found out. There was a meltdown. There was a period of not speaking. But he was comfortable and we genuinely had a good friendship away from any of the sex stuff so we drifted back together again. Yeah, I am a horrible person. Whatever, I always said it wasn’t my karma and it fit my needs so…
Anyway, he and his family moved to my zip code a few years ago. I was so mad. Like why the hell did you have to move to my town. Yes my town has 60k people living in it but everyone goes to the same places. At least they are in the other school district her and my kids are older so that was never a concern. He didn’t understand why this bothered me so much. I had no idea who she was, what she looked like, I didn’t even know her name. I didn’t care to. My fear was that we would both end up at the Lauer’s grabbing cakes and have a funny conversation in line and I would never know it. OR She would be with all the kids, who I would recognize, and I would freak out. Because I am guilty.
My thought had been that they weren’t happy together. There was a frantic call December 2018; he needed to find a place to live. I was lead to believe, or maybe I just assumed, that this was not a happy home or relationship. Was she aware of his wandering eye? Did she know that he was carrying on multiple affairs? At some point he sought counseling, was it couples counselling? Holy shit did she know about me??? Was this all for the kids?
We saw each other less and less over the last 2 years, jobs and responsibilities had shifted, there was less time, life changed, I turned 40 with no fanfare. I think 3 people remembered my birthday that year. It’s whatever. Well it’s not but it isn’t coming back so it’s whatever. Like I said I have isolated myself. But life just got busier. I have been depressed for years now so I was also losing interest in relationships, what little interest I had.
The other morning I was taking a pause from work. My mind wandered and I realized I never did know where he lived so I did some internet searching and found the address, then her name, then I went down the rabbit hole. I knew I would regret it but I did it anyway. It took only a few minutes for me me to be all ‘what the fuck’ and send a text that I needed to not speak to him for a while.
OF COURSE he replied just seconds after I had triumphantly texted enough people to get him off my screen. He wanted to know why. Then changed his mind. But I was feeling cruel and bitter and angry with myself so I straight told him. Yeah I googled, I found you, found your life posted for all to see, and I cannot be part of this. I wasn’t that nice but I wasn’t really mean either. Just direct. And I am not mad at him, I am mad at me. I knew, I just chose to ignore it and pretend. I will have to delve into that another time though.
Why did I do this? Is it because I’m depressed? I am pretty sure that is part of it, a big part. My heart has never recovered from one loss and this was easy and convenient. It started great, such fun passion. It stayed fun and passionate for a long time. The sex was good, we had a really good friendship at the core of it. We just fit well together. I look at it all now, was any of it real? Was it all fake? When one person is lying to so many people how can you believe anything they say?
Why did I settle? Being someone’s something else is not really a good thing. I don’t want that in my life. I deserve better. This wasn’t the first time I settled for being someone’s something else. This will be the last time though. It’ so boring. There is nothing real about being the something else. The first time I was the placeholder, this time I was the side piece. Not doin’ it anymore. I’m also not going to sit here wondering anymore if any of it was real because it doesn’t matter. It was bullshit, real or not. It was toxic to my soul.
But now? I will no longer worry about running into her in town. I feel sorry for her. She has to live with him and I am pretty sure she knows, maybe not the how many and who, but we always know when things are not right. I get to walk around my house wearing the box our case of toilet paper was shipped in; no one can judge me and my kids think I’m hilarious. This is a happy home, there is love and laughter and honesty here. Along with nights talking in bad Australian accents. This home matters, it is all mine. They can have theirs.
Minä olen velho!
I am a wizard!